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Colnel Funtastico had the head of a goat and the body of an cassowary… and that was just for breakfast. Spent his first ten years getting carried around Asia in his father’s clarinet case developing a keen ear for music, metre and noodles.
Emerged from university empty-headed and handed, so trekked off for ten baffling months in China. His muse duly roused, recitations at festivals, weddings, dinner parties and poetry comps ensued. Briefly regressed into standup comedy but nowadays is a successful writer of short bios for budding poets. This evening he sit and Jatz.
Colonel Funtastico’s Poem
Youthlessness Street
Hopping and skipping up Youthfulness Street,
I turn,
40,
Into Youthlessness Street.
With its sad old dwellings,
Facades nearly all peeled away now.
But some peelings endure.
All roads lead to Rut Street.
Get stuck on Rut,
You see all those bastards up there on Satisfaction Prominade and Fulfilment Parade.
Yeah, “I’II go up there sooner or later”, I said.
Well, sooner has long since passed,
And later just showed up.
And he looks like SHIT.
Let’s not even talk about Expectation Heights.
Every time you even look at it, it gets that little bit higher again.
Still stuck in Rut, you might nod off a bit.
You’re on some kind of boat,
On some kind of river.
In De Nile River.
No I’m not! Yes you are.
The wind drops. FA-FA-fa-fa…
The boat stops.
Where the hell am I?
What the hell am I doing with my life?
You’re wallowing in the mire
Department Store,
Clutching an expired lay-by card for a Breville crock pot.
Still in Rut Street, you can go straight,
Or you can come out on King street.
You take a few hairy curves and unfamiliar cracks and bumps but.
Especially on the main drag.
Get off anyway you can, or just settle for No Sex Drive.
Crossing Revelation Street, It hits me.
I find myself in Acceptance Place.And a long lost crushed peeling.
So long lost, I can’t remember its name.
Not quite pride.
Let’s call it Less Shame.Where younger, more attractive, talented, successful people
Are NOT welcome.
